Alright so we are actually going to finish a post this time. 

We stepped back from the internet for a couple of weeks there after having a very productive and enjoyable long weekend with my wife over her birthday. The release of stress and the dropping of certain responsibilities made me realize that there are a number of aspects of my life where i input far too much energy for very little return. Which sounds a little pompous and awful to saw, but as i've gotten older i've really started trying to prioritize where i put my attention. I'm very bad at paying attention. 

 The end of it all is really there have been certain aspects of my life that i've not been paying attention to that i should have been. Shirking one thing for something else is fine if the other thing is actually more important, and not just dopamine. I've missed streaming, i've missed chat and my friends, but i've gained quite a bit of inner peace and lowered my stress, so is that a good trade off? 

There were never really any hopes of making it big streaming, or even making money off of it, i was just there for the party. And boy did we party, so much so that I had to take a step back earlier in the year because i was just giving too much of myself to it. When you wife stopped working due to some health issues, that also truncated my time to stream. Between that and working extra to make up for certain debts, the amount of time i can put into streaming just kept getting less and less. 

It doesnt help that I think my saturday nights went kind of off the rails there for a month or so. I mean they were always a little bananas but it felt like people wanted to be there and it sort of had some kind of structure. It didn't, but i felt like guided chaos at least. The last few streams were just chaos, no guidance. And i couldnt get it back, just no matter what i did after each evening i'd be wasted tired and reaching to find what felt like it went wrong. Maybe nothing went wrong. Maybe the chaos finally got to me? I just dont know. But it didnt feel right anymore, like i was trying to hard for something but i didnt know what. 

 There have been times where i've been very tempted to go back to it. I miss the chat and i miss doing fun things. I still do fun things, i'm just the only one around for any of them. Well, thats not really true, Mrs Potato is always with me. We got to spend some time together this sunday jamming to records, like i used to do on saturdays. It was really fun and i didnt drink and still had a blast with it. We cleaned up down here and hung out and it was just....nice reconnecting to things i like with her. We've had a fire just about every night this week since i'm on call and cant go anywhere anyway, thats been really awesome too. 

Well its been a few hours and i havent added anything new to this so I'm just gonna post it and call it good. 

I think not streaming for a while is a good thing, i just dislike it and feel lonely about it. At least no one really seemed to have noticed too much. I still havent decided it thats a good thing or a bad one.